my clopse

Cyclops Skull Discovered



Skull found behind Fairfield, OH parking lot. It is the find of the century.


The fossilized skull is of a dwarf species of Cyclops, carbon dated to four million years age. It is yet another line of monkey-thingys that didn't make it to the Ford dealership. The ugly beings are thought to have a lack of intellectual depth, (perception). They are believed to have been cannibals and that they tasted like chicken.

Although it is  difficult to extract mitochondria from a fossil, Undergrad,  Leslie Sand Dhamer, from Berkeley,  Dr Digley Marrow from Morrow Ohio, and Dr “Scoop” Cartilage , from Carthage Ohio are doing research on the specimen. They named the species HomoCyops, which translated from Latin means nothing.

The fossils were found with only one tibia and various ribs consisting of buffalo wing bones from the T.G.I.F. Paleontological age. That was a warm time between the many small ice ages. It is thought that one eyed wankers had a global effect on weather, judging by the carbon foot prints they left at the site. It may have been the many grill-out mead parties where bones of mastodons were assembled into shapes reminiscent of modern condos.  Marijuana was preserved in tight little joints buried along with the bones. Scientists are eager to sample the DNA from the “bomb skunk” to improve resin in plants currently in Kentucky.

A crude monocle  was found at the site, consisting of chipped and polished quarts crystal, proving that Cyclopes were tool makers and enthusiastic readers of bad fiction.  The Clovis man had a tool bag of spears and arrows to kill off the mastodons. Likewise, HomoCyclops had their tool bag. It was a specialty tool called a stick, that he used to wave in front of himself so he wouldn't crack his fossil skull on trees.

Also found was the first computer. The machine consisted of a series of 0's and 1's chipped into a hunk of granite the size of a football field. It represents the oldest Twitter post in history.

Dr. Marrow cannot ascertain if the specimen is a male or female.  Along side the bones were many bright feathers, beads, turquoise trinkets, and a Flintstone style Nokia cell phone with a tanned skin case. Regardless of it's sex, it is believed that the specimen was either a shaman or had very poor taste in fashion. 

The site is believed to cover an area known as greater Hamilton! Ohio  The fund-hungry scientists have been lobbying hard to get control of the land and turn it into a national protected dig site, but Big Business is making that impossible.

“The ancient fossil was found near radioactive caves. The radioactivity and incessant inbreeding may be what caused the bizarre mutation that turned a hominid into a Grateful Dead animation.

Scientists that HomoCyclops was able to function in a dangerous world of central Ohio, because it had an shallow sea four million years ago.

“ We saw evidence” said Cartlage, ”that there was a presence of dolphins in the environment. We see bones of both type of mammals buried together”. Dr Digley has an rough preposition as to how the two species worked together.

 “The dolphins used to throw fish at the ugly humanoids.  In return, the dolphins were protected from all other creatures by the pure ugliness of the one eyed freaks. If the Cyclops went in the water every shark and Dorkosaur within a mile would scatter.  “Ask yourself, what smells worse than fish?”

The dolphins have not evolved much in 4 million years. They don't need to. They are a perfect being, able to manage any harsh change in climate conditions. However, they did learn how to swim backwards arched above the water. We don't know what evolutionary purpose it serves. They can't tell bar jokes, or get a lap dance, so what else is left? 

Every species eventually dies out. Remember, all simians are just a big bag of ocean hanging on the dry cleaning hanger of bones.  So- Crown Of Creation, don't get vainglorious. We don't have Flipper helping us. 


Dave Young - Midwest Archeologist


[Pope Boniface VIII]
[Cyclops Fossil Found]
[Food Pyramid]
[David Young]